Struggling Well & Stumbling Forward

“Trying to be an exception to the human race encourages arrogance among most of us and burnout among many of us- the two invasive fruits of having to prove that we are not flawed, that we do not need rescue from Jesus the way other neighbors do.”
Zack Eswine, Sensing Jesus

The first time I read these words I knew I was in trouble. It wasn’t because I didn’t understand them. Instead, it was because I understood them all too well. I spent the better part of a decade chasing and hustling to become “good enough” to be a pastor. Even writing that last sentence makes me cringe, but I cannot escape its truth.

At multiple churches, I went through different forms of the interview process for different pastoral positions. Inside each process, I found myself feeling fraudulent. Being peppered with theological questions was the easy part. I had my answers and agreements lined up. Instead, it was inquiries into my character and “maturity” (I’m still not sure what that means) that left me feeling like a fraud.

I didn’t feel like a fraud because my struggle with particular sins or having wounds still in need of healing.  I’ve resigned myself to their presence being companions until the Lord himself finishes death once and for all. Instead, I felt the shame of a fraud because I attempted to present myself as somehow “struggling well” or all together “better” than those I wished to be chosen to lead. It was at these moments I failed at my long quest for being the ultimate “authentic” person. I found myself hiding and evading like all of us have done since Adam and Eve first modeled such behavior.

It has only been since stopping my hustling for ministry positions and creating strategic relationships with pastors to enhance my vocational aspirations that I have come to value my need to breathe air just like every other human being. In the past year, I began to see just how “un” authentic I am. My theological “correctness” is no better than it was during my ministry interviews, and my wounds are still in need of healing. However, I am beginning to see the foolishness of hiding behind the phrase “struggling well”.

“Struggling well” allows me to communicate how I am somehow qualitatively “better” than others and even some older edition of who I once was. But this is just me hiding atop pedestals I wish others to raise me upon. While I still like the phrase “stumbling forward”, I have a suspicion this too is another way of evading. Both expressions create exhaustion and isolation.

It is easier to breathe deeply from the beauty and mystery of our sonship to the Father when we see how we are merely struggling and stumbling just like the rest of world. It also allows us to catch glimpses of Jesus stumbling in our place as he tried to carry the cross on the road to his death. Jesus struggled well because he knew we couldn’t. Jesus stumbled forward under the crossbeam of salvation so we can run into the presence of a perfect Father.