Dragging Shame

Everyone battles with shame to some degree or another. But feeling shame is not the same as facing it.

Years ago, I was a janitor at a church that almost hired me to be a pastor. Being a church custodian proved harder than I ever imagined. The work itself was laborious, and I was not the handiest of men when called to fix things. However, the hardest part of my job was seeing the pastors every day. Shame rocketed me through every interaction with the pastors. Almost being hired and becoming their peers, but now emptying their trash daily, made shame my constant co-worker.
With shame whispering in my ear, I dodged eye contact, found any reason to interject my intellect into mere small talk, and feared being seen as a failure. Shame controlled me no matter how much I fought. My ability to preach sermons didn’t quiet shame when I stepped off stage. Finishing a seminary degree didn’t give me enough knowledge to tame it either.

 I knew the right things to say: Jesus has taken my shame and given me the acceptance he receives from the Father. Because of Jesus I don’t have to beat shame to be welcomed into the presence of the Father. Fair enough. So why does shame still find its way into the driver’s seat of my life so often?

Shame has so much power over us because it hides in the dark, and we don’t know from where in our story it comes. Those who feel shamed by significant people in their lives, in return, will inevitably shame others and themselves. There is no silver bullet for understanding every aspect of the shame we experience. However, we can gain clarity when we start to see how shame starts outside of us before we internalize it and use it on others as compensation for our insecurities.

Dr. Curt Thompson, author of The Soul of Shame, writes, “Shamed people shame people.” Even the shame we put on ourselves has its beginning outside of us. Most shame is given to us from the people whose acceptance and praise we most desire. If you listen, shame can sound familiar. No one at the church shamed me. Instead, my shame came from past abuses of power by important people. Shame loves to attach itself to disappointments and pain.

This is not the whole story of shame, but it is a great place to start experiencing the acceptance we already own. Shame is not the end of our story. Sin is shameful but God’s words don’t sound like shame. Whatever shame tells us about ourselves, it is not what God says to his children.

If you struggle under the weight of shame, spend some time with these questions:

 

• When do I hear shame the most?
• Does shame’s voice sound like someone from my past, or perhaps my family? Does shame use phrases or words spoken by people important to me?
• What does God say about me?
• Have I used my shame as a reason to shame others? Remember, asking forgiveness opens the door to share my story with others.

By facing our shame, we don’t have to be its prisoner or messenger. We can locate where shame hides and drag it into the light of community and restoration. The light loosens shames grip and power.

Join the Conversation:

When does shame speak the loudest to you? How do you face shame in these moments?