I’m good at hiding from people. Hide and seek was my favorite game as a child. I would even hide dirty clothes and junk under my bed when I was told to clean my room. I would hide from and evade other children behind humor and art when there was no stated game being played. Hiding as others sought after me became an artform and salvation. I’m beginning to see how I hide as much now as I did when I was a child.
I find myself still feeling like that child hiding himself from others; only now I am not hiding my dirty clothes. Instead, it’s my weaknesses and wounds being hidden from friends seeking to know me. I have many “grown up” words explaining this, such as being “polite”, “socially acceptable behavior”, or not “burdening” others. But in truth, I am playing the same game. And even though I know I am not the only one playing this game, I cannot help feel foolish and lonely. The longer we play this game, the harder it becomes to stop.
We play this game for many reasons but two in particular stand out. First, we hide from others because we want to hide from ourselves. It’s difficult accepting our weaknesses and wounds. Like a child dreaming of a genie in a magic lamp to rub, we hope the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” just might come true. If we just act like our wounds and shortcomings aren’t there maybe we can be “more” than we are. And maybe living so hidden will keep others from finding out the ugly truth about us. And this runs into the second reason we hide from others: we want to be accepted.
As teenagers, this is the “popularity game”, but it rarely feels like a game. As adults, we change the name of the game but still play by the same rules and fears. We are desperate for others to see us as worthy and acceptable. All the while we are surrounded by others hiding inside the same game. We want to be different. We want to be “past” our hurts and insufficiencies. And more than anything we want people to notice just how “good” we are. The stakes are so much higher than when we played this game as children. As adults, we are supposed to be living our “best life now” and we are told “don’t waste your life.”
We church folk are the best at playing this game. We practice our evasion skills all week in preparation for the “big game” at Sunday worship gatherings. We don’t call the game “hide and seek” or the “popularity game.” We don’t call it anything, but we know it begins with the question: “How are you?”. We play before and after worship services, and the playground is the church lobby. You know you have won the game when you successfully evade and redirect personal questions with crafted vagueness sounding just honest enough to stop further probing. You can even receive extra points in this game when you encourage others with the “past” struggles you have since concurred.
But no one wins this game, and we feel the weight of our loss as we drive away settling for conversations about the pastor’s sermon. But we turn around and spend the next week repeating our loss as we hide within new conversations.
The sad truth is we only add to the shame we are already trying to hide. As believers we are functionally running away from the cross we claim to adore. We are shortchanging the work done on our behalf by Jesus. Would it make a difference if we started truly believing Jesus died rejected and naked so God himself could ultimately accept and clothe us? Would we so quickly hide ourselves if we stared at the God who allowed himself to be arrested and publicly shamed for our sake? Would seeing Jesus this way change the way we see ourselves and the harmful game we are playing?