Working With Sadness

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”

Psalm 42:11 is ringing in my ears. Today is a perfect day for peace. Aren’t all days? Let me rephrase. Today is my kind of day for rest. The sky is gray, the air is crisp and cool, and I have hours to work on nothing but my writing. Some see dreary and isolating, but I see the perfect conditions for breathing in some much-needed peace. So why is there this pressure on my chest? Why do I feel anxious and heavy?

I took my medication. I don’t think there is something physically wrong. There isn’t a crisis. I slept pretty well, all things considered. When I look at my emotional “dashboard”, I don’t see any warning signs. By all accounts, the week has been very productive. No family meltdowns I am trying to overlook. I’ve lived in denial before, but I don’t think I am trying to dismiss or cover up anything. Things are…well… good. “So why the long the face Charlie Brown?” I keep repeating to myself.

Next on the list, I check how I have measured up in my “spiritual disciplines.” Am I spending enough time in the Word? Am I having a quiet time? Have I been “alone” with God enough? There are endless questions to my riddle. Can I ever spend enough time reading, writing, talking, and praying about and with God? Even if I could, would that secure peace and joy at my demand? I’m not sure God owes me happy days. I don’t think he is a God of reciprocity. Just because I do good things doesn’t mean he is required to give me anything. Of course, living a spiritually disciplined life is important. But, it is not a silver bullet for emotional heath or even a guarantee that sadness won’t darken some of my days.

At some point during all of my hoop jumping as I checked my list, I had a thought: “What if the sadness has nothing to do with me?” Does it have more to do with the world I live in than my ability to be disciplined and fight for emotional and relational health? Could it be that I live in a world where sadness and sorrow still have the power to cast a temporary shadow even over by favorite of days? Could it be, that my heavy heart is just feeling the weight of a groaning world that I cannot help but somewhat be affected by? Could the occasional “sad day” be an appropriate response to a life lived inside a story that has “already but not yet” finished working itself out?

Of course not! If that were true, then I would be powerless to change my heart! Who wants that? Who wants to live in a reality where their best efforts ultimately can’t change the truth of sin’s presence and effects on the world? I must be able to do something to change this! I must be able to work my way into feeling happy and joyful. Christians are a people of hope for crying out loud! ARISE, I SAY, ARISE MY SOUL!

So I keep checking my list and try to find something to repent of or fix some lie I am believing. Surely all this work will lead to a rested heart… right?